


dying (to be him)

by tsuu



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-09
Updated: 2012-10-09
Packaged: 2017-11-15 22:51:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/532660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tsuu/pseuds/tsuu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You are so lost. You drink and smoke and make yourself forget but every fucking time you close your eyes you see Beth and Rachel and why is everything so difficult now (always)?</p>
            </blockquote>





	dying (to be him)

**Author's Note:**

> So HI, I stole some lyrics from a song you might know because I can’t stop picturing faberry with them. Not my favorite song, but it sounds desperate enough for me to think of quinn.

You break into places now. There is no way you can stop yourself. And the skanks celebrate every booze you nick and every kid you give swirlys for lunch money.

You are so lost. You drink and smoke and make yourself forget but every fucking time you close your eyes you see Beth and Rachel and why is everything so difficult now (always)?

You chug another bit of beer. This is not right, but you are going again. You can’t resist her and your need to see her, even if it’s for a little while.

You climb on the Berry’s rooftop. It’s late, maybe 1am. Time is not that important since you don’t have to be home early anymore.

She is in there. With someone on her bed.

It’s Finn.

You take a deep breath while your eyes burn and you have goose bumps all over your body.

It’s- it’s not what you expected. All the other times you hung over her ceiling it was just her. Practicing songs, doing scales, choosing an outfit…

And now there is a him with her.

And you just want to let go of the window and fall and break your neck.

It’s not fair, you think.

You are safe because of the shades, so you decide to watch.

Even if it feels like a knife tearing yourself open. You wish for a little bit of booze in your system but you have none.

They are making out. Her tiny little frame overwhelmed by the big body over her.

He is whispering.

“Touch me” he says. And you want to tear the window apart and make him bleed

You see Rachel’s hand, Rachel’s tiny and soft and so perfect hand sneak over his chest. They are both fully dressed –thankgod-.

“No… lower” and you see her cheeks flush and fuck, her skirt is way too high. Finn noticed too because he is placing her hand over her right thigh. Way too high.

You don’t want to miss anything, but you can’t possibly watch. This is boiling your blood to levels you never knew you could reach and and and… it’s making you so fucking mad.

You squeeze your hands until there are little moons on your palms. One of them is bleeding, but you don’t feel anything, you can’t keep you gaze off that bed and Rachel and fucking useless Finn Hudson.

He is hitching her skirt higher –you can see her panties now- and you swear for Beth if they get naked you are going to throw a rock at her window. You’ll have to stop them somehow. Now.

Always.

And Finn has his hand over her panties. You want to barf.

Rachel is actually just kissing him, and trying not to touch him over his crotch. He is hard. You can tell from the tent and the light and why, please don’t go further you wish, because you don’t want to throw a rock at her window. And you know you will if they don’t stop. You can’t have her, but Finn isn’t going to either.

There is panting. You know because there is this quiet noise. Movements of mouths without any word on them. You reach for the window’s glass. It’s so messed up, how you are just dying to be him.

Him of all people.

There is no way out now. You fit your hand inside your pants, and touch yourself like Finn is doing to Rachel over your panties.

You feel nothing.

You might be still drunk, you don’t know.

Rachel is taking Finn’s hand. You can see her mouth going ‘No Finn, that’s not how you do it’, and you want to laugh and cry, because she is so fucking perfect. Perfect for you. (yes) (no!) (YES)

You are going nuts.

And you still want to keep her. Inside your pocket and inside your books and inside of your chest.

There is movement now. Lots of it. You bury your head between your knees. Sitting there, under Rachel’s windows, wishing to be the friction in her jeans. You want her. You can’t even imagine what girls do with other girls but you want it with her. You want it all of it.

There is no future for you, you are so messed up.

Finn is taking off his shirt with Rachel whispering “but my dads!” and you know you had enough.

You climb down and throw the first thing you can find – a hose – at the window in pure anger. You don’t think. The window doesn’t break –of course not you dumb fuck, you tell yourself- but it does turn off the house alarm. You start walking as you heard ruckus inside the house. Shouts of “Rachel, are you okay!?”, lights turned on and hurried footsteps over stairs. You only smile when you hear a “What is Finn doing here?!” and a bunch of Finn’s stupid excuses.

 

You are still lost but now you are smiling.

Kind of.

(always)


End file.
